Linda Mar Veterinary Hospital

COMMEMORATING YOUR PET

The grief of losing a beloved pet can be overwhelming, and when the time comes that we must let go, we are faced with the dilemma of what to do with our cherished animal friend. It is important to consider your options and select the one that feels right for you and your family.

Linda Mar Veterinary Hospital and Coastal Cat Clinic work closely with Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park to provide our clients with several alternatives for commemorating the special relationship they have shared with their pet. We offer the following options:

Country Burial

This service entails a respectful group cremation and burial at Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park in Napa, California.

Private Cremation

Bubbling Well offers a private cremation service wherein cremains are returned to our hospital in a small wooden urn and labeled with a message of the client's choice. If a client wishes, our staff can arrange for their pet's cremains to be scattered at Bubbling Well's St. Francis of Assisi Garden in lieu of having the cremains returned to our hospital. Cremains are generally returned to our hospital two to three weeks after arrangements are made.

VIP Private Cremation

If a client prefers, our staff can arrange for a more ornate "Very Important Pet" wooden urn from Bubbling Well which features a scroll work carving on the top and a brass plaque with a message of the client's choice.

Independent Arrangement Options

In addition to the services that our staff can arrange for our clients, the following alternatives are available to clients who wish to make independent arrangements with Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park (telephone (707) 255-3456) or Pet's Rest (located in Colma, telephone (650) 755-2201).

Private Burial

Bubbling Well offers a traditional private burial by special arrangement. Their staff will assist pet owners in making casket and headstone selections.

Specialty Urns

Bubbling Well offers a wide variety of specialty urns, including stone and photograph urns, viewable at their website. (link to http://www.bubbling-well.com/index.shtml ) Their staff will assist pet owners in photograph and inscription submission.

Memory Glass

Bubbling Well now works with Memory Glass, a company that offers the unique service of incorporating a small portion of a pet's cremains into a completely customized glass keepsake or pendant. The wide array of customization options are viewable at the Memory Glass website. ( www.memoryglass.com ) The downloadable order form must be completed and faxed to Bubbling Well at (707) 255-0612. Bubbling Well will ensure that your design specifications and the necessary cremains are provided to Memory Glass.

Witnessed Cremation

Pet's Rest offers clients the option to witness the private cremation of their pet and receive cremains at that time. Clients may also prefer to use Pet's Rest private cremation service without witnessing the process; in this event cremains are generally returned to our hospital approximately one week after arrangements are made. Pet's Rest staff will assist clients in making all necessary arrangements.

CHILDREN & PET LOSS

It is a fact of life that most pets have a much shorter lifespan than do their human guardians. Only parrots and tortoises, under ideal conditions, have lifespans similar to (or longer than) their caretakers.

Losing a pet to illness, injury, or old age - no matter how devastating and sad the loss - is 'normal.'

Many pets are 'members of the family.' They are significant companions, not only to their adult guardians, but also to children in the immediate family. They may also be important to children of 'extended' families - relatives, neighbors, and friends.

This pamphlet is a reminder and aid to prepare and involve children when your pet is dying or has died. The death of a pet is oftentimes the first personal experience with death a child has.

It is important to take time to organize a celebration of the pet's life, as the end of its life nears, or to make preparations to meet the needs of a child after the loss of the pet. Memorializing the life of a beloved pet may help to ease the grief that both you and your child will feel. The fullness of preparations surrounding death can be a final gift the pet offers a child through you - a source of emotional strength they will have for a lifetime.

Things to do:

Tell your children if your pet's health is poor. Use simple language to explain the medical problem (arthritis, kidney disease, or simply 'old age.') Let them know if the health problem will eventually result in the death of the pet. "Spot is very sick, and though we are trying everything we can to make him comfortable, he will die soon." Then ask what kind of life the pet would not enjoy - the inability to eat or drink, to get outside on their own, to walk without pain. Let members of the family decide what quality of life is necessary for the pet to continue living happily.
Organize a family meeting to discuss the health of your pet. Ask members of the family to describe what the pet has enjoyed most in life - going for walks, chasing gophers, sleeping in the sunlight, etc.
Make a family decision that all members can support. Draw a line beyond which the pet's life is no longer considered 'quality' - if the pet refuses to eat for 2 days in a row or if he vomits when he tries; if he can't get outside to go to the bathroom 2 days in a row. By drawing a line ahead of time you commit to recognizing and enjoying each day the pet's basic necessities are met; and you commit to euthanasia at a time dictated entirely by your love and understanding of the pet, not by emotions and grief.
Teach your children about your philosophy and religious beliefs. The death of a pet can be a time to examine your own beliefs about death - your child can only benefit from being included in discussions about your faith.
Don't tell your child the pet will be 'put to sleep.' This can cause your child to have difficulty sleeping themselves for fear they will also leave this world forever.
Don't tell your child the pet has 'gone away.' Children can interpret this to mean that somehow their love was inadequate to make the pet stay, and they may feel guilty and responsible.
Be honest. It has been shown that using words and phrases like 'died', 'dead', and 'helped to die' (euthanasia) - however painful and harsh - help children clearly understand and accept the reality of the pet's death without negatively impacting their sense of self-worth and security.

Ways to celebrate your pet:

Poem Samples(PDF's)
The Fragile Circle
The Rainbow Brige

Make a photo album of your favorite pet pictures. Include pictures that include each member of your family. Add photos of the animal at all stages of its life - young, at its prime, in old age.

Have your children write letters to their pet - or draw pictures. These can become part of the pet's photo album or they can be buried or cremated with the remains of the pet. They are a means to let your children voice, into the unknown, the importance of this animal.

Make an impression of your pet's foot in clay or concrete. (See your local hardware store for supplies, or ask your veterinarian if they have a kit.)

Clip some hair from your pet - put it in a special 'keepsake.'

Light candles.

Plan a special ceremony at the death of the pet. Invite all the people who knew the pet and who might have had a special attachment to him. Invite them to express feelings, tell stories about the pet that includes their history and experiences with the pet.

Have a 'burial' - this can be the remains (or cremains) of the pet - or it can just be the burial of the symbols of the love the pet experienced in the way of poems, pictures or photos.

The loss of a beloved pet is always impossibly difficult. To teach a child the enormity of this loss and the necessary acceptance of it is to teach them love of life; and offers them an honest and healthy means to confront all future love-losses.

EUTHANASIA - WHEN IS IT TIME TO LET GO?

There is no more difficult issue in veterinary medicine then the question of when it is time to take the life of a beloved pet. The problem is fraught with considerations of morality, guilt, shame, fear, hurt, loss, confusion, and grief. Through all these considerations runs the thread of love and concern that we help alleviate suffering in those for whom we care. When veterinarians are asked if it's time to let go, time to euthanize or "put to sleep" an old and/or infirm pet, it requires the skill, caring, and tactful concern of a trained professional to properly assist the struggling pet owner with the correct decision.

Although the details of each case may vary, there are some recurring considerations which can help with these decisions. It is important to have some guidance, because whether or not you believe in the goodness and value of humane euthanasia, when we as humans are up against this question, the correct choice is surprisingly difficult to discern.

When confusion about the right course occurs, for whatever reason, there are two simple questions to ask. Looking at the answers objectively often helps guide us to the proper conclusion. First, we must ask if the pet still gets enjoyment out of life. Does the dog bark at the paperboy, and is there still an interest in food? Does the kitty enjoy being handled and stroked? Does some feline curiosity yet remain in the little old body? Can your pet enjoy some of the pleasures of the past, such as going for a walk or playing with housemates? Or, perhaps your old friend merely lies in one spot, unmoving for most of the day, uninterested in the world around.

The other question involves you, and you must answer it honestly. Do you enjoy caring for your pet any more? Is there any real pleasure left in the relationship, or has it become a burden? If it is a chore, do you enjoy being of service to the old friend, or is it having a negative impact on your life or your relationships with other family members? Do you spend all your time giving medications, cleaning up and carrying the pet from place to place? Or, perhaps you do actually enjoy caring for your elderly feline or canine companion and providing comfort to repay the many years of love they gave you so freely.

Now, if the answer to both questions was no, then you must look at this situation realistically. If the pet gets no apparent enjoyment out of life and you no longer enjoy caring for her, then it seems it must be time to allow a peaceful, pain-free end. On the other hand, if the answer to both questions is yes, you do enjoy your time with the pet and yes, the dog still obviously enjoys life though he's old and infirm, then there's no real need to torment yourself. Don't listen to what friends or neighbors say; enjoy your time together for as long as you can. So what if the dog limps or the cat is skinny and scraggly? If you both seem happy then don't worry about it.

When the answers are mixed, the situation gets tougher. Maybe the dog is content and enjoys life, but can't control bodily functions anymore, and you spend all your time cleaning up the mess. Or maybe a relative loves her old cat so much that she can't see that there is pain in every step and the little feline is suffering. It is in these tormenting situations that a trip to a caring, compassionate, and experienced veterinarian will be most fruitful. Advice on possibilities for improvement, suffering, alleviation of pain, and the practicalities of the situation will be available. Just remember that decisions made out of legitimate love and concern will be the right ones for both you and your pet.

PET LOSS SUPPORT GROUPS & RESOURCES

The death of a cherished animal companion often leaves pet owners feeling isolated or misunderstood in their grief. However, there are many resources available to help pet owners through this difficult time. Below is a listing of some of the support groups, hotlines, counselors, books, and websites that are locally available.

Pet Loss Support Groups

Peninsula Humane Society Pet Loss Support Group Meets on the second Thursday of every month from 7-8:30pm. No need to sign up. (650) 340-7022 x344
San Francisco SPCA Pet Loss Support Group Meets on the first Tuesday of every month from 7:30-9pm. No need to sign up. (415) 554-3050

Pet Loss Support Hotlines

Pet Loss Support Hotline: (800)565-1526 or (530)752-4200 Monday-Friday 6:30-9:30pm
Grief Recovery Hotline: (800)445-4808

Companion Animal Loss Counselors

Betty Carmack, R.N., Ed.D. San Francisco (415) 334-5036
Cecilia Soares, D.V.M. Walnut Creek (415) 932-0607
Christine Kenworthy, R.N., Ph.D. San Mateo (650) 737-1883
Ferol Larsen, Ph.D. Palo Alto (650) 326-6896

Pet Loss Books for Children

Helping Children to Cope with Separation & Loss Claudia Jewitt, 1992
Cat Heaven Cynthia Rylant, 1997
Dog Heaven Cynthia Rylant, 1995
Angel Pawprints ed. Laurel Hunt, 1998
Angel Whiskers ed. Laurel Hunt, 2001
Snowflake in My Hand Samantha Mooney, 1983
The Fall of Freddy the Leaf, Leo Buscaglia
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney Judith Viorst, 1975
When A Pet Dies Fred Rogers, 1988
Lifetimes Mellonie & R. Ingpen, 1991
Goodbye, Friend Gary Kowalski, 1997
"Oh, Where Has My Pet Gone?" Sally Sibbet, 1991

Pet Loss Books for Adults

Grieving the Death of a Pet Betty Carmack, R.N., Ed.D., 2003
Preparing for the Loss of a Pet Myrna Milani, 1998
Blessing the Bridge Rita Reynolds, 2001
The Loss of a Pet Wallace Sife, 1999
Grief Recovery Handbook John James
Pet Loss and Human Emotion Cheri Ross & Jane Baron-Sorenson, 1998
Losing A Best Friend A collection of articles compiled by the San Francisco SPCA, 415-554-3050
Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults and Children Herbert A. Nieburg & Arlene Fischer, 1982
When Your Pet Dies: How To Cope With Your Feelings James E. Quackenbush & D. Graveline, 1985
Maya's First Rose Martin Scott Kosins, 1992
Coping with the Loss of a Pet Christina M. Lemieux, 1992
Living Through Personal Crisis Ann Kaiser Stearns, 1984
Companion Animal Loss and Pet Owner Grief M.A. Rosenberg
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet Moira Anderson, M.Ed., 1996
On Death and Dying E. Kubler-Ross
How to Survive the Loss of A Love Harold Bloomfield
When Only Love Remains: The Pain of Pet Loss Emily Sturparyk
Goodbye My Friend, Your Aging Pet, and A Final Act of Caring all by Mary & Herb Montgomery