COMMEMORATING YOUR PET
The grief of losing a beloved pet can be overwhelming, and when the time comes that we must let go, we are faced with the dilemma of what to do with our cherished animal friend. It is important to consider your options and select the one that feels right for you and your family.
Linda Mar Veterinary Hospital and Coastal Cat Clinic work closely with Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park to provide our clients with several alternatives for commemorating the special relationship they have shared with their pet. We offer the following options:
Country Burial
This service entails a respectful group cremation and burial at Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park in Napa, California.
Private Cremation
Bubbling Well offers a private cremation service wherein cremains are returned to our hospital in a small wooden urn and labeled with a message of the client's choice. If a client wishes, our staff can arrange for their pet's cremains to be scattered at Bubbling Well's St. Francis of Assisi Garden in lieu of having the cremains returned to our hospital. Cremains are generally returned to our hospital two to three weeks after arrangements are made.
VIP Private Cremation
If a client prefers, our staff can arrange for a more ornate "Very Important Pet" wooden urn from Bubbling Well which features a scroll work carving on the top and a brass plaque with a message of the client's choice.
Independent Arrangement Options
In addition to the services that our staff can arrange for our clients, the following alternatives are available to clients who wish to make independent arrangements with Bubbling Well Pet Memorial Park (telephone (707) 255-3456) or Pet's Rest (located in Colma, telephone (650) 755-2201).
Private Burial
Bubbling Well offers a traditional private burial by special arrangement. Their staff will assist pet owners in making casket and headstone selections.
Specialty Urns
Bubbling Well offers a wide variety of specialty urns, including stone and photograph urns, viewable at their website. (link to http://www.bubbling-well.com/index.shtml ) Their staff will assist pet owners in photograph and inscription submission.
Memory Glass
Bubbling Well now works with Memory Glass, a company that offers the unique service of incorporating a small portion of a pet's cremains into a completely customized glass keepsake or pendant. The wide array of customization options are viewable at the Memory Glass website. ( www.memoryglass.com ) The downloadable order form must be completed and faxed to Bubbling Well at (707) 255-0612. Bubbling Well will ensure that your design specifications and the necessary cremains are provided to Memory Glass.
Witnessed Cremation
Pet's Rest offers clients the option to witness the private cremation of their pet and receive cremains at that time. Clients may also prefer to use Pet's Rest private cremation service without witnessing the process; in this event cremains are generally returned to our hospital approximately one week after arrangements are made. Pet's Rest staff will assist clients in making all necessary arrangements.
CHILDREN & PET LOSS
It is a fact of life that most pets have a much shorter lifespan than do their human guardians. Only parrots and tortoises, under ideal conditions, have lifespans similar to (or longer than) their caretakers.
Losing a pet to illness, injury, or old age - no matter how devastating and sad the loss - is 'normal.'
Many pets are 'members of the family.' They are significant companions, not only to their adult guardians, but also to children in the immediate family. They may also be important to children of 'extended' families - relatives, neighbors, and friends.
This pamphlet is a reminder and aid to prepare and involve children when your pet is dying or has died. The death of a pet is oftentimes the first personal experience with death a child has.
It is important to take time to organize a celebration of the pet's life, as the end of its life nears, or to make preparations to meet the needs of a child after the loss of the pet. Memorializing the life of a beloved pet may help to ease the grief that both you and your child will feel. The fullness of preparations surrounding death can be a final gift the pet offers a child through you - a source of emotional strength they will have for a lifetime.
Things to do:
Tell your children if your pet's health is poor. Use simple language to explain the medical problem (arthritis, kidney disease, or simply 'old age.') Let them know if the health problem will eventually result in the death of the pet. "Spot is very sick, and though we are trying everything we can to make him comfortable, he will die soon." Then ask what kind of life the pet would not enjoy - the inability to eat or drink, to get outside on their own, to walk without pain. Let members of the family decide what quality of life is necessary for the pet to continue living happily.
Organize a family meeting to discuss the health of your pet. Ask members of the family to describe what the pet has enjoyed most in life - going for walks, chasing gophers, sleeping in the sunlight, etc.
Make a family decision that all members can support. Draw a line beyond which the pet's life is no longer considered 'quality' - if the pet refuses to eat for 2 days in a row or if he vomits when he tries; if he can't get outside to go to the bathroom 2 days in a row. By drawing a line ahead of time you commit to recognizing and enjoying each day the pet's basic necessities are met; and you commit to euthanasia at a time dictated entirely by your love and understanding of the pet, not by emotions and grief.
Teach your children about your philosophy and religious beliefs. The death of a pet can be a time to examine your own beliefs about death - your child can only benefit from being included in discussions about your faith.
Don't tell your child the pet will be 'put to sleep.' This can cause your child to have difficulty sleeping themselves for fear they will also leave this world forever.
Don't tell your child the pet has 'gone away.' Children can interpret this to mean that somehow their love was inadequate to make the pet stay, and they may feel guilty and responsible.
Be honest. It has been shown that using words and phrases like 'died', 'dead', and 'helped to die' (euthanasia) - however painful and harsh - help children clearly understand and accept the reality of the pet's death without negatively impacting their sense of self-worth and security.
Ways to celebrate your pet:
Poem Samples(PDF's)
The Fragile Circle
The Rainbow Brige
Make a photo album of your favorite pet pictures. Include pictures that include each member of your family. Add photos of the animal at all stages of its life - young, at its prime, in old age.
Have your children write letters to their pet - or draw pictures. These can become part of the pet's photo album or they can be buried or cremated with the remains of the pet. They are a means to let your children voice, into the unknown, the importance of this animal.
Make an impression of your pet's foot in clay or concrete. (See your local hardware store for supplies, or ask your veterinarian if they have a kit.)
Clip some hair from your pet - put it in a special 'keepsake.'
Light candles.
Plan a special ceremony at the death of the pet. Invite all the people who knew the pet and who might have had a special attachment to him. Invite them to express feelings, tell stories about the pet that includes their history and experiences with the pet.
Have a 'burial' - this can be the remains (or cremains) of the pet - or it can just be the burial of the symbols of the love the pet experienced in the way of poems, pictures or photos.
The loss of a beloved pet is always impossibly difficult. To teach a child the enormity of this loss and the necessary acceptance of it is to teach them love of life; and offers them an honest and healthy means to confront all future love-losses.
EUTHANASIA - WHEN IS IT TIME TO LET GO?
The hardest question for every pet lover is: “When is it time to say goodbye?” Making the decision to let go of a beloved friend is never easy and there are several things to consider that will help you make an informed and caring choice for your ill or aged pet.
- * Does your pet have an appetite? Eating or at least an interest in food is a basic quality of life. If simply eating has become exhausting and stressful your pet may have lost interest in life.
- * How is your pet’s mobility? Is there constant pain and exhaustion that medications can no longer manage?
- * Is your pet responsive and interested in family and surroundings? Can he sleep comfortably? Does she enjoy resting in a favorite spot and the company of family?
- * Are there more good days than bad?
- * Has the difficulty of caring for a sick or old pet become too much of a strain on the family?
Many times these questions do not have clear answers, and this is where your veterinarian can help. Your veterinarian can discuss your pet’s condition in a more objective manner and can help you decide what is best for your pet. Delaying the decision is not merciful and will just prolong your pet’s suffering. Making an informed choice by considering your pet’s needs first will help you make a decision you can live with. You must ask yourself, “Is my pet truly getting enjoyment out of life, or am I delaying the inevitable because I am unable to let go?” Many people try to avoid this decision by having their pet die quietly ay home, but this can mean needless misery for your pet. Discussing your pet’s condition with your veterinarian might even result in treatment options that could make your pet comfortable longer, so you can prepare yourself emotionally and be better equipped to recognize when it is time to say goodbye.
Once you have decided the time is near, another question to ask yourself is, “Do I want to be present?” Some people feel that the last loving act they can perform for their pet is to be with them at the end, whereas others are not up to it emotionally and this may not be how they want to remember their pet. Each situation is different and no one will think badly of you no matter what choice you make. If you decide against being present, be assured that the veterinary staff will treat your pet with the utmost care and respect.
Should other family members, such as children, be present? Very young children generally do not understand what is happening and may be too confused by the situation to gain anything by being there. Some older children may derive some comfort from being present depending on their personality and maturity level, but if you think your child may become too upset or be traumatized it is important not to force them to be in the room. You know your children best, and should decide what is best for them.
Remember, each person approaches this kind of decision a little differently and there’s no absolute rule. Knowing that your decision was guided by love and respect for your pet will help you through this process and you’ll know you’ve done what’s best for you and your cherished companion.
PET LOSS SUPPORT GROUPS & RESOURCES
The death of a cherished animal companion often leaves pet owners feeling isolated or misunderstood in their grief. However, there are many resources available to help pet owners through this difficult time. Below is a listing of some of the support groups, hotlines, counselors, books, and websites that are locally available.
Pet Loss Support Groups
Peninsula Humane Society Pet Loss Support Group Meets on the second Thursday of every month from 7-8:30pm. No need to sign up. (650) 340-7022 x344
San Francisco SPCA Pet Loss Support Group Meets on the first Tuesday of every month from 7:30-9pm. No need to sign up. (415) 554-3050
Pet Loss Support Hotlines
Pet Loss Support Hotline: (800)565-1526 or (530)752-4200 Monday-Friday 6:30-9:30pm
Grief Recovery Hotline: (800)445-4808
Companion Animal Loss Counselors
Betty Carmack, R.N., Ed.D. San Francisco (415) 334-5036
Cecilia Soares, D.V.M. Walnut Creek (415) 932-0607
Christine Kenworthy, R.N., Ph.D. San Mateo (650) 737-1883
Ferol Larsen, Ph.D. Palo Alto (650) 326-6896
Pet Loss Books for Children
Helping Children to Cope with Separation & Loss Claudia Jewitt, 1992
Cat Heaven Cynthia Rylant, 1997
Dog Heaven Cynthia Rylant, 1995
Angel Pawprints ed. Laurel Hunt, 1998
Angel Whiskers ed. Laurel Hunt, 2001
Snowflake in My Hand Samantha Mooney, 1983
The Fall of Freddy the Leaf, Leo Buscaglia
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney Judith Viorst, 1975
When A Pet Dies Fred Rogers, 1988
Lifetimes Mellonie & R. Ingpen, 1991
Goodbye, Friend Gary Kowalski, 1997
"Oh, Where Has My Pet Gone?" Sally Sibbet, 1991
Pet Loss Books for Adults
Grieving the Death of a Pet Betty Carmack, R.N., Ed.D., 2003
Preparing for the Loss of a Pet Myrna Milani, 1998
Blessing the Bridge Rita Reynolds, 2001
The Loss of a Pet Wallace Sife, 1999
Grief Recovery Handbook John James
Pet Loss and Human Emotion Cheri Ross & Jane Baron-Sorenson, 1998
Losing A Best Friend A collection of articles compiled by the San Francisco SPCA, 415-554-3050
Pet Loss: A Thoughtful Guide for Adults and Children Herbert A. Nieburg & Arlene Fischer, 1982
When Your Pet Dies: How To Cope With Your Feelings James E. Quackenbush & D. Graveline, 1985
Maya's First Rose Martin Scott Kosins, 1992
Coping with the Loss of a Pet Christina M. Lemieux, 1992
Living Through Personal Crisis Ann Kaiser Stearns, 1984
Companion Animal Loss and Pet Owner Grief M.A. Rosenberg
Coping with Sorrow on the Loss of Your Pet Moira Anderson, M.Ed., 1996
On Death and Dying E. Kubler-Ross
How to Survive the Loss of A Love Harold Bloomfield
When Only Love Remains: The Pain of Pet Loss Emily Sturparyk
Goodbye My Friend, Your Aging Pet, and A Final Act of Caring all by Mary & Herb Montgomery